Friday Afternoon Bum Fights
The two bums circled each other slowly in the dusty, litter-strewn parking lot. Neither was in a rush to bring the fight to the other and frankly, I was growing restless. “Come on you worthless...
View ArticleA Conversation With A Personal Hero
As you’ve doubtlessly heard by now, my close friend, personal hero, and fellow conservative commentator Rush Limbaugh has once again landed himself in a tasty, albeit hot pot of stew due to his...
View ArticleAdd As Many Lasers As You Want, I’m Still Not Using Them
I had just finished breakfast and was skimming the news when an item caught my eye. “Ha!” I said to no one in particular. “Might as well fund next-generation testicle sandpaper while you’re at it, you...
View ArticleDon’t Worry Foxy Knoxy, Help Is On The Way
Yes, the rumors are true: International sex symbol Amanda “Foxy Knoxy” Knox is waist deep in legal trouble again, after Italy’s highest criminal court overturned her acquittal and ordered her to once...
View ArticleYou Can’t Spell ‘A To Z April Challenge’ Without ‘Oz’
I was seeing to some correspondence in the study last night when my butler Montgomery arrived with the tray of ribs and pitcher of Old Fashioneds I’d requested. “Ah, perfect timing,” I said. “Place...
View ArticleA Is For Ambush
Is For Ambush My vice president of marketing Sherm Schweinbumser entered his office and flicked on the light, never noticing that I was standing adjacent to the door with my back to the wall. He made a...
View ArticleB Is For Butler
Is For Butler I pounded the intercom’s “talk” button and barked at the device. “Montgomery! Mont-gom-er-y!” There was an extended pause before my layabout butler answered. “Pip pip, guv’nor! How may I...
View ArticleC Is For Cashtushy
Is For Cashtushy “You really must admit — this is rich.” That was me to my former personal secretary Ms. Cashtushy. We were in the conference room at Carver Consolidated Capital (C3), discussing her...
View ArticleD Is For Druggist
Is For Druggist I’d been waiting around the parking lot of a local McDonald’s for a good fifteen minutes when my black-market prescription-medication procurer Skynyrd Dave finally arrived. He was...
View ArticleE Is For Easy
Is For Easy “Once everything’s settled,” said my vice president of acquisitions Bob Laudermilk, “it looks like we’ll clear a good twenty million, maybe more, off this Oglethorpe Sporting Goods deal.”...
View ArticleF Is For Frankfurter
Is For Frankfurter I pulled up to the hot dog stand and hopped out of my Escalade, eager to dine on the delicacies offered by the roadside vendor. “Hello there, my good man!” I said, stumbling toward...
View ArticleG Is For Golf
Is For Golf “Fore!” I shouted as the wood smacked the ball, blasting it a good 250 yards down the middle of the fairway. I won’t lie to you; it was a perfect shot and all but guaranteed that I’d finish...
View ArticleH Is For Hank
Is For Hank I received a collect call last night from my close, personal friend Hank Williams Jr. Considering that today’s “A to Z April Challenge” topic was required to start with an “H,” his timing...
View ArticleI Is For Injustice
Is For Injustice Following a long night at my favorite strip club, Boobs-a-Poppin’, I was en route to my palatial estate when a low-paid civil servant with a gun and a badge had the temerity to pull me...
View ArticleJ Is For Jack
Is For Jack The sweet sounds of AC/DC blasted at full volume through my open driver’s side window while I was stopped at a red light, enjoying a cigar that cost more than your average third-world...
View ArticleK Is For Klout
Is For Klout “Hoo hoo, can’t wait to see my score!” I said. I was speaking with my blog administrator Shelton in the study, which had only just been refurbished following my butler’s unfortunate rib...
View ArticleL Is For Lawyer
Is For Lawyer My desktop intercom beeped yesterday afternoon but as I was neck-deep in some very important work, I decided to ignore it. Whoever was trying to reach me wasn’t taking “no” for an answer...
View ArticleM Is For Mother
Is For Mother I was enjoying a mini-marathon of obscure German erotic cinema in the media room when my butler Montgomery entered with a pained expression on his face. “Pardon the intrusion, m’lord,” he...
View ArticleN Is For No
Is For No “Good morning, Mr. Carver,” said Carver Consolidated Capital’s (C3’s) office manager Ms. Cashtushy as I hustled through the front door. “Can I—” “No,” I said, brusquely waving her off. I then...
View ArticleO Is For OxyContin
Is For OxyContin My butler Montgomery eased the Escalade into the darkened industrial park where I had a scheduled 2 a.m. meeting. I was in the backseat, wearing a black overcoat, tinted glasses, a...
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