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Friday Afternoon Bum Fights

The two bums circled each other slowly in the dusty, litter-strewn parking lot. Neither was in a rush to bring the fight to the other and frankly, I was growing restless. “Come on you worthless...

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A Conversation With A Personal Hero

As you’ve doubtlessly heard by now, my close friend, personal hero, and fellow conservative commentator Rush Limbaugh has once again landed himself in a tasty, albeit hot pot of stew due to his...

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Add As Many Lasers As You Want, I’m Still Not Using Them

I had just finished breakfast and was skimming the news when an item caught my eye. “Ha!” I said to no one in particular. “Might as well fund next-generation testicle sandpaper while you’re at it, you...

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Don’t Worry Foxy Knoxy, Help Is On The Way

Yes, the rumors are true: International sex symbol Amanda “Foxy Knoxy” Knox is waist deep in legal trouble again, after Italy’s highest criminal court overturned her acquittal and ordered her to once...

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You Can’t Spell ‘A To Z April Challenge’ Without ‘Oz’

I was seeing to some correspondence in the study last night when my butler Montgomery arrived with the tray of ribs and pitcher of Old Fashioneds I’d requested. “Ah, perfect timing,” I said. “Place...

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A Is For Ambush

Is For Ambush My vice president of marketing Sherm Schweinbumser entered his office and flicked on the light, never noticing that I was standing adjacent to the door with my back to the wall. He made a...

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B Is For Butler

Is For Butler I pounded the intercom’s “talk” button and barked at the device. “Montgomery! Mont-gom-er-y!” There was an extended pause before my layabout butler answered. “Pip pip, guv’nor! How may I...

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C Is For Cashtushy

Is For Cashtushy “You really must admit — this is rich.” That was me to my former personal secretary Ms. Cashtushy. We were in the conference room at Carver Consolidated Capital (C3), discussing her...

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D Is For Druggist

Is For Druggist I’d been waiting around the parking lot of a local McDonald’s for a good fifteen minutes when my black-market prescription-medication procurer Skynyrd Dave finally arrived. He was...

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E Is For Easy

Is For Easy “Once everything’s settled,” said my vice president of acquisitions Bob Laudermilk, “it looks like we’ll clear a good twenty million, maybe more, off this Oglethorpe Sporting Goods deal.”...

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F Is For Frankfurter

Is For Frankfurter I pulled up to the hot dog stand and hopped out of my Escalade, eager to dine on the delicacies offered by the roadside vendor. “Hello there, my good man!” I said, stumbling toward...

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G Is For Golf

Is For Golf “Fore!” I shouted as the wood smacked the ball, blasting it a good 250 yards down the middle of the fairway. I won’t lie to you; it was a perfect shot and all but guaranteed that I’d finish...

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H Is For Hank

Is For Hank I received a collect call last night from my close, personal friend Hank Williams Jr. Considering that today’s “A to Z April Challenge” topic was required to start with an “H,” his timing...

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I Is For Injustice

Is For Injustice Following a long night at my favorite strip club, Boobs-a-Poppin’, I was en route to my palatial estate when a low-paid civil servant with a gun and a badge had the temerity to pull me...

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J Is For Jack

Is For Jack The sweet sounds of AC/DC blasted at full volume through my open driver’s side window while I was stopped at a red light, enjoying a cigar that cost more than your average third-world...

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K Is For Klout

Is For Klout “Hoo hoo, can’t wait to see my score!” I said. I was speaking with my blog administrator Shelton in the study, which had only just been refurbished following my butler’s unfortunate rib...

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L Is For Lawyer

Is For Lawyer My desktop intercom beeped yesterday afternoon but as I was neck-deep in some very important work, I decided to ignore it. Whoever was trying to reach me wasn’t taking “no” for an answer...

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M Is For Mother

Is For Mother I was enjoying a mini-marathon of obscure German erotic cinema in the media room when my butler Montgomery entered with a pained expression on his face. “Pardon the intrusion, m’lord,” he...

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N Is For No

Is For No “Good morning, Mr. Carver,” said Carver Consolidated Capital’s (C3’s) office manager Ms. Cashtushy as I hustled through the front door. “Can I—” “No,” I said, brusquely waving her off. I then...

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O Is For OxyContin

Is For OxyContin My butler Montgomery eased the Escalade into the darkened industrial park where I had a scheduled 2 a.m. meeting. I was in the backseat, wearing a black overcoat, tinted glasses, a...

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